I just want to get terminal cancer at this point

My life ended before it even began. I'm going through hell and I'm too much of a pussy to actually CTB. I smoke 2 packs a day praying I'm gonna get inoperable lung cancer. Death is better at this point. I'm writing this as I'm preparing to get drunk on vodka, every 2 days I drink till blackout.

I just want this to end. Being ugly is a psychological and social equivalent to cancer. Untreatable and deadly. Well, it won't kill you, but will force you to do it yourself.