Lost in my thoughts and drowning in my reality, anyone ever felt same?

Using this burner account cause I am too ashamed of my reality, Life has been so unfair to me and I really just want to rant and cry it out, this might be lengthy so please indulge me.

Ever flet like no matter how hard you try nothing ever really gets better? Or rather one day it seems you have everything all sorted out and the very next it seems you have takes 10 steps back. I feel completely broken that I cannot afford my kids treatment, like why is this life so difficult, some people have money they don't really need, and others badly need money they don't have, how do I sit and watch my baby become a shadow of himself everyday, he looks so sad and lost, it's like he is unhappy being here, just in his shell, I had so much hope before the diagnosis, I prayed so much even tried learning in tongues, just for my baby to be fine, and now there is this reality staring at me and I have nowhere to run or hide, my heart is shattered. A back sorry on my baby, I gave birth to him completely healthy,chubby and very cute, in his early months of life, started finding it so hard to eat anything and will throw up alottt, doctors said he had a little problem with his throat, didn't say it was anything serious, gave antibiotics and we kept managing, he was thriving but the vomiting only increased, then he lost his ability to chew or bite anything, wanted just baby cereal, did all kinds of test which showed negative till my husband and I thought it was spiritual. We kept pushing and no 3 weeks passes without my boy being doing, he can be find now and be unable to stand the next minute, or have a very high fever the next, this was our life, our routine, we are always in one hospital or the next. Few months after he turned 2, he started snoring seriously, then came the dry cough and vomiting of blood, we rushed him to the hospital and he was booked for emergency surgery for tonsillitis, a surgery that was said will take 1 hour, finally took 3hours 15 minutes, after that my baby didn't look alright at all, called his dad to see him as I was carrying out a minor surgery on his baby brother in another hospital so I couldn't be there, few house later,he starts vomiting again and is rushed back to the theater, cause we were told he was bleeding internally, ohhh God I almost died, going through all that with my 3 month old new born, no family no friends, no support, just us in a new country, that was the most difficult time of my life or so I thought, I guess life just has ways of breaking you, my baby ended in the ICU hospitalized for 2weeks plus, he was swollen and did not look himself at all, but because he was fighting he gave me strength to fight, he got discharged then came all the different appointments that yielded no result, my baby complicately stopped talking, as he had started singing and counting few words,he lost so much weight and stamina, the vomiting continued now sleep apnea, he sleeps and forgets he is breathing so I am always awake to massage him,I can't work cause of all his crises, no daycare can cope with him cause he doesn't accept anything from anyone again we pay and he is at home all the time, his brother joined in the vomiting so 3/4of my day I spend cleaning up, now out of no where my beautiful baby started being anxious, not just that his brother has started doing same, forgot to mention my second is allergic to some stuff, so we need to get specific food which is way more expensive for his feeding or it disrupts his bowel system. We took our kids to a therapist who said my first is suffering from serious autism, and my second can't be diagnosed since he is still small, now we need to start therapy, and for it to work he need to go a particular school recommended by the therapist, of which the fee is crazy, we need to get a house in the town where treatment will take place, and constant brain assessment for both of them, all this cost so much, my husband being the breadwinner as I can't work he has to do 2 jobs plus Uber to be able to cope with our basic needs, now our parents insisted we bring our kids home so we can rest and I work too, and now there is no job out there, And I now do Uber for 9 hours and still won't hit my target which is the bare minimum, hubby too has started having issues with his health, his dad is battling cancer and we are both just broken, I pray and beg God for a miracle, I means if I can't win the lottery so I change my family's situation, be there and give my kids the best treatment needed, the why don't God help me with a job, I am very smart and a fast learner but unfortunately companies just don't give the newbies a chance to prove we are capable.. I am normally not one for such but I felt I just needed to say this, I act all strong but I am dying inside, I feel so much guilt that my babies are suffering like this and I can't help them, it's a pain I wish for nobody and I am gradually loosing hope.

Please if you have healthy children then you need to thank God, you need to thank him so much, cause to some of us motherhood hasn't been so smooth or a fairytale. And if you are alive then please be kind to people, you do not know the internal battles people are fighting and it will be so unfair to be the reason someone out there feels even more pain. I pray My family and I heal from all this trauma, I pray God does a miracle so we raise money for their treatment, but more so I really pray my babies be well and get to live normal lives and just call me mama.