I’m pregnant and it makes me a horrible mother.

I (f24) am already a mother of a beautiful and amazing three year old boy with autism. Parenting has had its moments but I’ve always loved being a mother to my baby boy. After my husband (m30) and I had our son we both agreed he would be our only one due to the extreme complications I had during birth which included my son and I both almost dying. And we agreed he would be getting a vasectomy and for the time being I would stay on birth control. Three days ago I found out I’m pregnant and I’m completely and utterly lost… I don’t want this, I never wanted this, my husband didn’t want this. I’ve never wanted an abortion either…. Financially we can barely stay afloat with our one child. And the way the cost of living is going it’s about to get so much worse. My son is autistic and requires all of the energy I’m capable of giving and adding another baby would take away the quality of both kids lives. I’ve been completely empty constantly thinking of what to do

     I’ve always loved being a mother and how I’m feeling right now, I don’t want to be a mother at all. I want to disappear. I’m failing my son. I can barely get myself up to eat. I can’t interact with him without getting so obnoxiously angry and just wanting to be left alone. I can see absolutely no good coming from this pregnancy logically other than a new baby to fawn over. I’ve been raised to believe I’m an abomination of a women if I choose to terminate though. But I can see this ruining our lives, our ability to financially care for our children, my ability to be a good mother and wife. 

    Giving birth to my son we both came extremely close to dying. My mother and husband crying in the hospital room and telling people I might not make it close. I could never leave my husband to take care of two children alone. And I have the impending feeling that if I where to birth this child I would die. I’m feeling every emotion possible to be felt right now and I’m in absolute overdrive. I want nothing more than to WANT this baby. And I know how easy it is for people to say “you’ll figure it out” and I’m sure I’ll get a few not so nice comments here just like everywhere else but I need to vent, I need to talk, or I feel like I’m going to just implode. I desperately need a woman who understands what I’m going through.