Work and money

I’ve been feeling very guilty and shameful as of late regarding my financial state. Long story short, back in March I ended up in inpatient due to an episode related to stress. I was doing poorly at my job and constantly calling off and I was stuck in a slew of performance reviews. I was being supervised constantly and critiqued heavily and I was overwhelmed with thoughts of being a failure. Flash forward to June, I quit this job and in a manic state of inspiration I decided I was going to try and make art as a way of income. My partner was VERY supportive and was willing to take up some of the financial stuff so I could get started. As usual, I got very unmotivated as I just didn’t believe in myself. My partner went above and beyond to help me and I didn’t really venture out with any of the resources he provided. At the end of June, I was hospitalized again due to a psychotic episode.

I got put into a PHP program and then an IOP program after the hospitalization for two months and it has stabilized me, but I still haven’t gotten myself back on my feet quite yet. I’ve become a financial burden not only for my partner but for my parents too. I recently got a part-time job and I only made it three days into it before I just couldn’t do it. Personally, the circumstances there made me feel like I was set up for failure. I felt like I didn’t receive the training I needed and I rely on structure in order to perform well. I feel horrible about it because my partner really wanted me to see it through before I got another job. Fortunately, I was able to get hired the same day I quit but it hasn’t started yet. My partner is really pissed off at me because he wanted me to work until my new job starts. We’ve been staying at an extended-stay hotel as our house has been getting renovated and we’ve been covered by his dad (he is a very wealthy man hahaha). My partner wants me to start paying for things again by the first of next month and I just feel like I’m under a lot of pressure because I still don’t know when this new one will start. I do think it’s going to be a great place for me and it’s really close to home!

Whenever he brings up money or my lack of ambition I completely shut down. It ends up turning more into a lecture and I feel like I have lost the person that I had become ever since I graduated from college. He’s sick of hearing about what’s holding me back and just wants me to push forward. He’s definitely someone who believes in tough love but I think I just need more encouragement and I haven’t been able to express that properly. He’s fearful that I’m just going to fall apart again and I really don’t want to disappoint him.

I am tired of being on this rollercoaster of ups and downs that is going to affect me the rest of my life. I don’t understand why I have regressed so much this year and I feel like I can’t do anything anymore. It hasn’t really affected my ADLs, I’m eating properly and completing tasks but the minute I step outside of that I crumble. My partner has given me an ultimatum and it’s basically just to move forward or go back to my parent’s house and I DO NOT want that. I just want to be back to what I consider my “normal” self. I have therapy tomorrow and couple’s therapy the day after and I’m super nervous for both.

I really just need someone who will tell me that things will work out and that I can do this.