By societies standards I'm still a loser, but I'm the happiest I've ever been.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me, I have no friends, I find it difficult to form meaningful relationships, I still live with my father and i'm weeks away from 27, I have student loans to pay off, medical bills that have gone to collection, all the people I was ever really close with (besides my immediate family) are dead, I'm an addict (now in recovery), I have PTSD, adult ADHD, OCD, General anxiety disorder, AsPD and several other cognitive disadvantages, I go to a therapist regularly, I've been on probation for 10 years, I haven't been able to drive in at least 4 years, I'm emotionally damaged and so much more that is not enviable.

But guess what? I recently got my first real job and quit working at Home Depot, It's been 14 months since i've smoked crack or fentanyl, I bought a car a little while back that I will soon be able to use, I will be off of a decades worth of probation within the next month or so, I am working on establishing a business, I volunteer my time for children which brings me joy, and people even say they look up to me- that they admire my work ethic, endurance, social capabilities, kindness and intellegence. As someone who has despised themselves since 8 years old, this is absolutely astonishing, but I actually am proud of the person I've become. Pride??? That's a fucking wild concept that I have never been familiar with.

But my greatest triumph yet, is I am alive. Yes, fuck you I am alive and thats a bigger deal than most people will ever realize. When I posted on social media for the first time in a few years I got not 1, not 2 but 7 calls from people near tears saying they thought I died- I was simply expected to, and trust me I believed it too. But get this: I'm about to turn 27. 27!!!!! Whether my death was from suicide, overdose or violence I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would live to see 27. I fucking did it. I made it out, and if you're struggling just know you can too.

I write this laying in bed looking out my window at a world so beautiful I cannot help but feel elation. This is the very same window, the same world I looked out of not just 2 years ago before deciding once again, the world was shit, my life is garbage and I needed to die. Craziest part is, nothings changed- only my outlook and actions. Life is exactly what you make of it.