Suicidal and existential ocd mix

Hey guys! I have a mix of existential ocd and suicidal ocd. It’s so tough. Basically all day, 24/7, I have thoughts of what’s the point of doing anything if we die. Life is meaningless. Why do anything if In the end, it won’t matter? I keep thinking everyone I love will die, and so will I? Why are we placed on this earth? I can’t look at the sky without spiraling terrible. With my suicidal ocd, my brain keeps telling me I need to die and that I can’t handle these thoughts and that life isn’t worth living. I don’t want to die, at all, I want to be happy. I do love life, but I’m convinced I don’t. And that life isn’t worth living. It feels soooo real. This theme has been with me for actually a year and a half now. And to those wondering, I’ve had no relief at all. Not even for a day. I’m on Prozac now, I don’t think I like it. I don’t think I like ssris in general, they numb me, they depress me and cut out my emotions 😕 And that just makes my ocd theme in specific, worse. My psych says ssris are GOLD standard for ocd and one of them has to work. Unfortunately all of them numb me. At the lowest dose too. Lexapro was probably the best. I’ve been on most SSRIs. Prozac now, I hate it. I’ve been on Zoloft that was the worst for me. I’ve been on Luvox, it wasn’t great. Lexapro might have been the best? But still not great. Any help is appreciated please I’m a registered nurse and I think I might have to quit my job because I can’t work with this thoughts anymore… it’s too debilitating.. My whole life and career has been taking for me. My passion to being a nurse is stripped because of this theme.. Im desperate for help. And it’s even more depressing that SSRIs are doing this to me.