I’m forever changed. (F24)

I had my first grand mal seizure when I was 19, alone in my apartment, at the beginning of the pandemic. At the time, I had no idea what was happening. It wasn’t until I experienced a seizure in public that I realized what they were, and I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Since then, after seeing a handful of neurologists, I’ve been grateful to have been seizure-free since January 2021. However, I still feel like I haven’t fully recovered from the trauma it caused.

For context, I was a student athlete—very outgoing, sociable, and daredevil-esque. I loved things like roller coasters, bungee jumping, skydiving, etc. I was also the type of person who was content going out alone and doing whatever (I really didn’t care about much).

Since my seizure, I’ve become the complete opposite. Even though it’s been four years, I’m still afraid of going out, speaking to strangers, swimming, driving, and more. I’ve shut out most of my friends, almost never leave the house, and had to move back in with my mom because I’m constantly scared. I’ve gained 35 kg and have never felt more pathetic. I’ve lost my innocence and my zest for life.

Recently, this fear has been more prevalent than ever. I can’t help but wake up every day fearing that today might be the day I have another seizure. Honestly, it’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten what an aura feels like, but I’m still scared of things like white noise. I get anxious when I’m in another room and hear people talking on the TV, because I worry that I’m hearing voices. I’m also scared of the dark and always need a night light or lamp on because it reminds me of blacking out.

The problem is that, due to my financial situation, I can’t afford therapy, and I hate trauma-dumping on my family and the few friends I have left. But I really don’t know what to do to become the person I was at 19 before all of this happened. I feel like wasted potential because all I do now is live in fear.