Husband had a "happy ending"massage, broken wife.

My husband is a porn addict, an addiction stemming back from the time he was 6 years old.

I've given him so much grace to deal with this; after years of educating myself I've really felt so much compassion toward his struggle.

The last year and a half (out of our nearly 18 year relationship); he's stepped up - got accountibility software, a mentor and joins recovery meetings online every 2nd week.

Although I know this was not enough, its progress from where he's been.

My husband loves the Lord. I know his relationship with God is important to him and this has caused so much pain in his life.

So after physically getting sick with panic attacks and acid reflux, causing gastrointestinal issues - for which he sought diagnosis on every physical aspect without answers; he was sent to a psychologist who explained how his brain is hiper vigilant and basically hi-jacked from unresolved issues in his subconscious.

He went to a mental healtcare facility for treatment as he was not eating or sleeping, lost 8kg in 20 days. Sonars, scopes and stool testing all came back normal.

He went on a different antibiotic, got counseling, and saw a psychiatrist while doing some workshops in the hospital. Felt better and was able to eat and sleep. He wasn't completely honest with his struggles and tried treating it as a find a solution to the tummy issue approach.

He was home 3 hours - then rushed himself back to casualties at night. Heartburn, panic etc.

Obviously seeing me with the weight of his actions caused the flair up again.

I then had a chat with him telling him that he needs to address the issues his not really dealing with or he'll be stuck in this cycle forever. Telling him how I believe that sometimes God allows rock bottom so we can choose to get better or remain the same, and how I felt like his approach to recovery by absence and ignoring that it's an issue is not true healing.

So eventually he dropped the bomb... told me that he went for a happy ending massage in 2022. My world feels dark and heavy, my heart feels crushed. I've been fighting so hard to save him - I have no more fight left in me.

I do feel that God has meant this for a breakthrough after so many prayers... I know that we could not move forward with him keeping it a secret. I can't get the images out of my mind, I cry on a dime.

I've seen changes in him and feel like if I knew this 2 years ago - I'd have left him.

We also have 2 kids, and this is just too much for me.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, maybe asking for prayer.

He seems to have deep remorse, and has taken steps to fix us, but how can I ever feel loved knowing that he's shared his body with another woman. He swore that there was no real intimacy involved, no kissing or penetration but a handjob and her sliding over him (I feel sick just typing that out). I've been forced to hurt by things I never chose - I have always been good to him. I'm not saying that we were perfect and I know there's been a disconnect - but I've been trying to get closer to him and now I see that he just chose to turn away.

Please keep us in your prayers.

From a broken wife.

(I forgot to add... during the midst of his health struggle he was calling out to God one night whilst laying in bed with me asleep next to him asking WHY this is happening and not getting better, he later told me that the Holy Spirit clearly told him "Because you are hurting my daughter". The next morning as we got dressed for Church I could see he was troubled I asked him what was wrong and he answered that he just felt like his prayers were falling into thin air. I gave him a hug and encouraged him to draw closer to God, that things will work out we just need to get through this. On our way to church, we both said some silent prayers of our own asking God to talk to us that morning. A woman was preaching this morning, and she changed her entire message because she felt like the Holy Spirit was leading her into talking to someone; specifically a man struggling with fear, anxiety, and depression (my husband was booked into the mental clinic at 15:00 that same day for all of this) - and basically the message got down to deciding Who God is to you in your life. How you need to decide and follow him fully. A week earlier my son showed me a video on TikTok about the devil asking a man which side of the fence he wanted to join, on the one side is "the good life" women, alcohol, drugs, and money, and on the other side of the fence was a hard road of trials but it leads to eternal life. The man decided to sit on the fence with one leg on each side - and the devil replied "The fence belongs to me"... I felt all of this just miraculously worked together. In mental rehab he was looking for physical answers to his health; and got upset when I told his Psychiatrist that I believe his porn addiction contributed to the deterioration of his health mentally; saying that I'm trying to make it a marriage issue rather than focusing on his health. I was hurt by his insensitive comment, I knew his symptoms were real but I also knew they were a manifestation of what's going on in the inside. I gave it to God in prayer, and decided that I would let my husband deal with this whichever way he chose to, the next day he joined a mindfulness class that addressed undealt trauma and the effect it has on your brain. Confirming the things I've been telling him all along, and also talking about the importance of being truthful and accepting that everything we do has consequences. After confessing to me, he told me about this and how he could not stop thinking about what he'd done knowing that he has to come clean. So in my heart I do believe that God worked things together to get us to this place, now we can choose.)