Haven’t felt like a person since hospitalization 20 months ago

I haven’t felt like a person for at least the last 20 months, probably longer. I feel like my whole day is white knuckling through it, even things that should be enjoyable. I don’t have the same motivation that people my age have (30F). I am such a disappointment. Also - Seeing my friends have kids has ripped me to shreds. I wish I was in a place to do that. I just want to feel like a complete person again. There’s nobody to talk to about this (besides therapy) because everyone just says they “get it” because so and so stupid life drama. Like “oh I felt that way when my boyfriend broke up with me” blah blah. I don’t even know how I can keep doing it. I don’t look forward to anything, everything feels like an inconvenience, and I’m exhausted pretending everything is fine sometimes. I just try not to be mentally present for my life because it hurts, but that also is painful. I visited family for the first time in 2 years and it should have felt good (I luckily like my family) but I just felt inconvenienced. Left by 8 every day. It hurts me that I can’t be a full person for the people in my life. I’m half dead, at best, most of the time. I truly think I died in the hospital. Only nobody moved on from me like they should. Im tumbling through every day just hoping to be good enough to pass as human.