I think my boyfriend hates me

My boyfriend has been nothing but patient and caring towards me but because I keep getting upset over small actions like taking a while to reply to my texts and escalating small arguments. I keep getting paranoid over his ex even though he has reassured me time and time again. The past few days and weeks, I’ve been feeling so suicidal and I bring it up to him. When we argue, my mind instantly goes to suicide or pushing him away with the intention of suicide after I cut off ties. I keep hurting him even though I don’t want to. I’ve been trying to change, seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist recently but I don’t think I’m improving quickly enough for him and I’m so scared of losing him.

Recently, I planned to commit suicide again because of a small argument and he’s reconsidering staying with me because throughout our relationship, I’ve been ruining his life. We haven’t been chatting that much and I’ve just been nonstop crying.

I just wish I wasn’t this sensitive and I wish my emotions didn’t feel this intense all the time. Sometimes I wish I was all alone with no friends because being numb and empty feels better than whatever these intense mood swings are. I hate that I’m a bad person. I hate being myself. I want to get better for him but I think leaving him and killing myself would be more beneficial.